Merry Christmas, Ally!

After 18 hours of labor, two days before Christmas I finally gave birth to my beautiful baby girl, Ally. She was a little late, but who could blame her? She was perfect, beautiful and all I had ever dreamed of. She was born at 1:52 pm. I had kicked everyone out of the delivery room except for Josh of course. I’m not a family birthing kind of girl, and there were certainly no videos or flash photography. Because Ally was trying to come out sideways I needed forceps to help turn her so she could come out facing the right direction, otherwise she wouldn’t fit! It was too late for a cesarean, to which I objected anyways. I remember when they first told me I needed some help. I was pushing for 5 hours and she wasn’t budging. It felt like 20 minutes. I had no idea that long had passed. Josh was a trooper, right there by my side, with no sleep and seeing things we vowed long ago he wouldn’t. The nurse finally stopped me and said, “It’s ok to stop now, you need some help.” I felt like a failure and began to cry. First I couldn’t go into labor on my own and needed to be induced, then I couldn’t stand the pain of the rapid and induced contractions and needed an epidural, and now to top it all off I couldn’t even give birth on my own without needing intervention. How could someone so incompetent even attempt to raise a child? I couldn’t see at the time how well I had actually done, the nurses were singing my praises, but I wouldn’t have it. The amount of emotion I was experiencing was ridiculous. There’s nothing like it.

Soon after agreeing to forceps, my room was flooded with attendings, interns, and so many other doctors and nurses I didn’t know what to do, nor did I care. I just wanted that kid out! These shenanigans had gone on long enough. When Ally finally came she was great! I couldn’t see her from my position but Josh assured me she had all her fingers and toes. I remember how astonished the look on his face was the first time he held her. It really is a miracle. You think you know someone and you can predict exactly how they will act, but then they completely surprise you and do so much better and so much more than you expected. Since that day that’s the kind of father he has been. Doing so much more in every situation than I could possibly ask for. It was perfect. After the commotion had subsided I was finally alone with Ally, like I had been for 9 months only now she was looking at me. I loved her so much more that day, and more every day since then. Words can’t express how you feel for a child; you love them more than you love yourself and more than anything else on earth.